Because it is really about getting back to our lives and our kids and having a mentor to guide you along the way and listen to your concerns and understand your struggle can help you do just that! High Conflict Central is about parents connecting with parents to lend support. Nothing more, nothing less. Please read our disclaimer and keep this in mind as you read our posts.
High Conflict Central Full Disclaimer:
The information on this blog is based on personal opinions and insight. Our writers are not attorneys nor licensed psychologists. We are Divorce Mentors, Relationship Coaches and Alternative Dispute Resolution professionals.
A majority of people struggling in Family Court are having issues due to a hostile ex or unhealthy relationship patterns. It has little to do with the law. None of the information or opinions offered by the authors should be considered legal advice. High Conflict Central and the individual writers who post are not rendering legal or other professional services through this blog and disclaim any and all liability to any person who reads this blog. We encourage readers to do their own research into the information that is provided. Readers should keep in mind that many things factor into court processes and cases can be quite different depending on where they are in the process and what has already been decided in their case.
Personal stories are shared to raise awareness. Our purpose is to help people disengage from high conflict battles and move into a happier and healthier life, but is not meant as legal advice or therapy. If you need legal or psychological advice, please seek the help of those professionals. Our goal is to support you as you navigate systems and the professionals you meet along the way and to help you learn from our experiences in the high conflict divorces that we lived through.
The folks from the Pennsylvania Supervised Visitation Task Force have put together a very helpful video on supervised parenting time. While the team at High Conflict Central knows that you hate having your time supervised and hate it even more when you have to pay fees related to your co-parent being supervised, we hope you can understand that issues have been raised about the safety and/or well-being of your child. As we often say, you have the orders you have, not the orders you’d like to have.
Hopefully, this video explains some things about supervised parenting time and sets your mind at ease a little if you are being supervised. Also, if you do not understand what exactly led to you being ordered into supervised time, feel free to contact us. We can talk you through your situation and help you see things from best interest of a child/child development perspective.
Stay Strong and do not give up hope!
Thank you Pennsylvania Supervised parenting time task force via Video
High Conflict Central hears the most from parents when it comes to finding or working with a parenting consultant or parent coordinator. These people are so hard to understand, even lawyers and judges can have trouble with the role. We will admit that we struggled to understand their decisions and behaviors until our fearless leader, Susan Carpenter, made things more clear.
We have never met anyone who understands Parenting Consultants as much as Susan Carpenter does. Never. Of course many highly experienced PCs understand their role, but some of the newbies may not. Either way, they don’t share what is going on with you. Why? They figure your lawyer will. Unfortunately, on the flip side, lawyers think your PC will. Well, this leads to where nobody will. Lucky for you, we will. Susan will, too.
High Conflict Central exists, in large part, due to the nasty divorce experience of its founding partners. We have experienced the harshness of divorce, custody battles, denial of parenting time, ineffective court authorities, and worthless lawyers. We understand how frightening it is to try and navigate the Family Court System, and we also understand the scary stories you will find on an internet search. When you read some of these “I lost custody of my children for no reason” blogs out there, they will send you into a tailspin, and can create such fear, anxiety, and drama that they will cause you to overreact to the Family Court System in a way that will devastate your case.
Let me tell you something. I have had the opportunity to read many of these cases. I am here to tell you that in almost every horror story case, when the parent tells you, “They took my children away from me for no reason”, the reality is that there is almost always a reason. It boils down to that parent’s lack of understanding about what the system is trying to accomplish and their own erratic behavior. For example, victims of Domestic Violence have a reaction to situations that normal people rarely have. Because they have developed something called, “hypervigilance”, they can overreact to different processes that are a normal part of divorce and custody cases.
Because the court processes have become quite lengthy in a disputed divorce with children, parents are on edge, waiting to get rulings about when they will get to spend time with their children, and how much time they will have. Waiting and not being in control of your own life or family creates anxiety and fear, but no one needs to allow anxiety and fear to overcome them or God forbid, to put you into a tailspin that results in losing time and the ability to parent your children.
High Conflict Central is here to help you navigate the Family Court System in an empowered way. We have been through Family Court and lived to tell the tale. We know that you can make the system and authorities in the system work better for you, but you are in control of how that goes. We know that you can be a strong parent, in spite of a toxic co-parent and even the family court system. You can, and you must! You are the one who can break the cycle or dysfunction, domestic violence, and toxic relationships, and be an excellent role model who teaches children healthier ways to live life.
Steer clear of the negativity in the blogosphere! We can give you an understanding of Family Court so you can use it to your advantage. We will give you new skills to succeed in family court, keep your children out of the fray and achieve the life you desire. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by connecting with us. Email us, or visit our High Conflict Central website to learn more.
Minnesota passed small tweaks to the best interest factors back in 2015. Since that time, an ad hoc group met to write a new parenting time guide. The new guide replaces the 1999 guide which basically assumed that one parent would be the custodial parent and the other parent have visitation. Times have changed and now both parents are encouraged to be involved in the life of their child.
To read the new parenting time guidelines in Minnesota, visit this link on the Minnesota Judicial Branch website.
Just so you know, our own lead coach, Susan Carpenter, was involved in the ad hoc group writing the guide. She was instrumental in getting parallel parenting time included as an option for high conflict parents!
Children need their parents. This is particularly true during times of transition, such as divorce. The most challenging thing about going through divorce is to manage your own pain so that you can be the support your child needs. Divorce is a critical time for a family. Emotions are high. Sometimes parent conflict is extremely high to the point of insanity. If you are feeling so much stress and upset, just imagine what your children are feeling. They need their parents to reassure them that everything will be alright, but if you are not sure of that, it is hard to make them believe the words you tell them.
Many parents seek out help from lawyers or mediators to get through the divorce process. Some will even turn to a therapist. Those are good professionals to turn to, but the problem is that you may hear different things from each different player. A therapist is going to validate your feelings while a lawyer is going to tell you your feelings don’t matter. Everything will feel like it is tied to money when it is supposed to be about your children’s best interests.
Have you ever thought about seeking help from a coach-mentor? High Conflict Central has been involved with parents in conflict, especially parents going through divorce or post decree issues. We not only have a collective 21 years of experience in the process divorced parents have to go through, but also have experienced the pain. A requirement for our coach-mentors is that they have been through similar things to what you are going through. We can understand what you are talking about and help you understand the upside down and backwards experience of what it is like to go through family court in a way that your lawyer or therapist will never be able to do. We also understand the reason behind Family Court and what seems like insanity in their thinking and we want to help you understand, too. There is nothing that feels more like eternal darkness than trying to navigate a system that you are not prepared to navigate and do not understand.
High Conflict Central tries to be the link to connect all the pieces for you. While you may not want to spend money on coaching when you have high legal bills and concerns about your future, our clients will tell you that coaching helped decrease their lawyer bills and the number of interactions with court professionals like judges or parenting consultants. It will also help you feel supported and in the strongest possible position to help your child. Contact us to learn more about coaching services at High Conflict Central, a trademark of Susan Carpenter Coaching and Consulting.
How do you fight the loneliness when going through divorce, especially those first days when your kids are gone? It’s hard to sleep. The mind races. You just want to escape, but no matter where you would try to escape to, that racing mind goes with you. It can be crazy making time. Even if your ex is an ass and you feel somewhat relieved that they are gone, you will go through a mourning period. It’s OK to do that. It is normal to tell everyone how horrible your soon to be ex is, but then go home and miss them and wonder why you miss them when you make them sound so horrible.
Allow yourself the grieving time, as much as you need. Try to figure out in your head if it is your ex you miss or if you just miss having someone there for you when you come home. Maybe you just miss the security of another adult in the house for when something goes wrong. Maybe it’s just that there used to be someone you could leave the kids with if you had to run to the store quickly and now you aren’t able to make quick runs to the store unexpectedly without taking the kids along for the ride. These are normal feelings. It’s OK to feel glad that this person you hate is gone, but 10 minutes later find yourself sobbing because they have left.
During divorce, people go through the exact same mourning process that they do when a loved one dies. It makes sense, in a way, it is the death of a relationship. So go through those feelings of loss. Be with people if you need to or stay away from people if you just don’t feel like socializing. Most likely, you will either sleep a lot or hardly at all, maybe you will alternate between the two. Many people lose a lot of weight during this time. Of course there is a feeling of profound sadness. Your life is changing. Maybe you weren’t prepared for that to happen. It is hard to deal with the shock, especially if you feel blind sided by the situation.
Once you feel a little more accepting of the situation and have made peace with everything, you may start feeling a little excited about the opportunity to reinvent your life, you will still find that loneliness still creeps in now and again. Where can you go on those lonely days?
It’s a very good idea to stay busy and take your mind off of your problems. Distractions can be a good thing. If you are having serious legal battles, keeping busy will help save your sanity. On weekends when the kids are with the other parent, carve that time out for yourself. Make sure to plan something fun to do. If you have some good friends, make some definite plans and don’t back out, even if you’re not feeling that great when the day comes. Try your best to go and have fun. Don’t spend the entire weekend on court matters. If your lawyer needs you to write a document with all the nitty, gritty details of your case for him/her, get it out of the way as soon as you can so you can still allow time for weekend fun. If the deadline for getting it completed is not approaching that quickly, save the task for a weeknight instead.
I know that many people have to also find new friends after they divorce. I have often joked that my ex got all the friends and I got all the bills. Well, in all honesty, those people were not my friends anyway. I have awesome, awesome, God sent friends now and I wouldn’t trade them for the world! If you need to get out and meet people, there are many ways to do that. You could volunteer. Is there someplace you have always wanted to volunteer, but never had time? Make the time now. You could volunteer at a school or a homeless shelter or food shelf. You could check in with some senior apartments or assisted living or nursing homes and go visit an elderly person who has no family to visit or read to a blind person or maybe play cards or do a puzzle with a shut in. They would love it! You could volunteer at church. If you don’t have a church, join one. You could sing in the choir or try something else. Churches often have groups that you can join, too. My church did not have a singles group when I inquired and so I started one!!!! I never got too many takers, but yet, I tried and it was a great experience for me. There are police and fire reserve units that always need volunteers. If you are musically inclined, you could check around with different cities nearby and see if there is a community band you could join. If you are looking to meet people there are literally thousands of groups of all different persuasions that you could join at meetup.com. They have groups for card playing, biking, hiking, singles, political groups, parent groups and many other things. Check it out, it’s pretty cool. I remember that I showed a friend of mine that had a Dachshund that they even had a Dachshund owners meetup! Do you want or need to increase your income? Go back to school. Trust me, you are never too old (just ask this woman) and you will be able to afford it. Whatever you do, just get out there and get involved. You will be amazed at the people you will meet!
We agree that this works. We have seen it work and nothing else ever does. You definitely cannot wait until the alienator “warms up” to the idea of allowing the child to see their other parent. That will only lead to YEARS of trauma.
It is a decade since I worked with Thomas Moore to assist in reuniting him with his son after many years apart. You can read about his journey and our work together in his book ‘Please Let Me See My Son’. This week Thomas called me to say hello and let me know that his son is well and living a normal and healthy life. I knew then and I know now, that when we help children to recover from the induced psychological splitting which causes parental alienation, their life chances are good and the future looks bright. Having a healthy parent to return to is key to recovery and being able to hear from parents around the UK, whose children I have reunited with them, lets me know that in each and every case of severe parental alienation, the decision to intervene robustly is the right one.