High Conflict Central

Divorce Horror Stories in the Blogosphere Blogs of Fear

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net

High Conflict Central exists, in large part, due to the nasty divorce experience of its founding partners.  We have experienced the harshness of divorce, custody battles, denial of parenting time, ineffective court authorities, and worthless lawyers.  We understand how frightening it is to try and navigate the Family Court System, and we also understand the scary stories you will find on an internet search.  When you read some of these “I lost custody of my children for no reason” blogs out there, they will send you into a tailspin, and can create such fear,  anxiety, and drama that they will cause you to overreact to the Family Court System in  a way that will devastate your case.

Let me tell you something.  I have had the opportunity to read many of these cases.  I am here to tell you that in almost every  horror story case, when the parent tells you, “They took my children away from me for no reason”, the reality is that there is almost always a reason.  It boils down to that parent’s lack of understanding about what the system is trying to accomplish and their own erratic behavior.  For example, victims of Domestic Violence have a reaction to situations that normal people rarely have.  Because they have developed something called, “hypervigilance”, they can overreact to different processes that are a normal part of divorce and custody cases.

Because the court processes have become quite lengthy in a disputed divorce with children, parents are on edge, waiting to get rulings about when they will get to spend time with their children, and how much time they will have.  Waiting and not being in control of your own life or family creates anxiety and fear, but no one needs to allow anxiety and fear to overcome them or God forbid, to put you into a tailspin that results in losing time and the ability to parent your children.

High Conflict Central is here to help you navigate the Family Court System in an empowered way.  We have been through Family Court and lived to tell the tale.  We know that you can make the system and authorities in the system work better for you, but you are in control of how that goes.  We know that you can be a strong parent, in spite of a toxic co-parent and even the family court system.  You can, and you must!  You are the one who can break the cycle or dysfunction, domestic violence, and toxic relationships, and be an excellent role model who teaches children healthier ways to live life.

Steer clear of the negativity in the blogosphere!  We can give you an understanding of Family Court so you can use it to your advantage.  We will give you new skills to succeed in family court,  keep your children out of the fray and achieve the life you desire.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by connecting with us. Email us, or visit our High Conflict Central website to learn more.

balance · Break Ups · Change · Child Custody · children · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Communication Tools · Confidence · Conflict · Coparenting · Coping · Court authorities · Courts · Custody · Custody Battles · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · divorced parent mentors · ex spouse · families · Family · Family Court · Family Court System · Fear · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · Hostile ex · joint custody · Law · Legal System · Parent Coordinator · Parent Support · Parental Alienation · Parental Alienation Syndrome-PAS · Parenting · Parenting after Divorce · Parenting Consultants · Parenting Coordinators · Parenting Time · Parents · self care · Support · Support for divorced parents · transformation

Children Need Their Parents

Image courtesy of John Hain at Pixabay.com

Children need their parents. This is particularly true during times of transition, such as divorce. The most challenging thing about going through divorce is to manage your own pain so that you can be the support your child needs. Divorce is a critical time for a family. Emotions are high. Sometimes parent conflict is extremely high to the point of insanity. If you are feeling so much stress and upset, just imagine what your children are feeling. They need their parents to reassure them that everything will be alright, but if you are not sure of that, it is hard to make them believe the words you tell them.

Many parents seek out help from lawyers or mediators to get through the divorce process. Some will even turn to a therapist. Those are good professionals to turn to, but the problem is that you may hear different things from each different player. A therapist is going to validate your feelings while a lawyer is going to tell you your feelings don’t matter. Everything will feel like it is tied to money when it is supposed to be about your children’s best interests.

Have you ever thought about seeking help from a coach-mentor? High Conflict Central has been involved with parents in conflict, especially parents going through divorce or post decree issues. We not only have a collective 21 years of experience in the process divorced parents have to go through, but also have experienced the pain. A requirement for our coach-mentors is that they have been through similar things to what you are going through. We can understand what you are talking about and help you understand the upside down and backwards experience of what it is like to go through family court in a way that your lawyer or therapist will never be able to do. We also understand the reason behind Family Court and what seems like insanity in their thinking and we want to help you understand, too. There is nothing that feels more like eternal darkness than trying to navigate a system that you are not prepared to navigate and do not understand.

High Conflict Central tries to be the link to connect all the pieces for you. While you may not want to spend money on coaching when you have high legal bills and concerns about your future, our clients will tell you that coaching helped decrease their lawyer bills and the number of interactions with court professionals like judges or parenting consultants. It will also help you feel supported and in the strongest possible position to help your child. Contact us to learn more about coaching services at High Conflict Central, a trademark of Susan Carpenter Coaching and Consulting.

Abuse · child abuse · Child Custody · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Conflict · Coparenting · Court authorities · Court investigations · Crazy Ex · Custody · Custody Battles · Dads · Denial of Parental Rights · Denial of Parenting Time · distrust · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · ex spouse · Family Court · Family Court System · Guardian ad Litems · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · joint custody · Moms · Parent Support · Parental Alienation · Parental Alienation Syndrome-PAS · Parental Rights · Parenting · Parenting Time · Parents · Relationships · Reunification Therapy · toxic relationships · Truth

Parental Alienation and the High Conflict Myth — Karen Woodall

A conflict, by definition, must involve two or more sides (unless it is within you). Therefore if parental alienation is about high conflict divorce it must mean that both of you are fighting. Or does it? One of the biggest myths that I encounter […]

via Parental Alienation and the High Conflict Myth — Karen Woodall

Break Ups · children · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Communication · Conflict · Coparenting · Coping · couples · Dads · Divorce · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · ex spouse · Happiness · Healthy Relationships · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · joint custody · Moms · Parenting · Parents · Relationships · Video · Videos

Kids Do Say the Darnedest Things

She is so adorable.  I know it can be hard, but will you try to smile?  One day at a time.  Smile.  For the Kids.  Keep it low, OK?  I think we are going to try recruiting Tiana as a divorced parent mentor.  She has this figured out!

 

Abuse · Attitude · balance · Change · Child Custody · children · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Communication · Conflict · Coparenting · Coping · Court authorities · Crazy Ex · Custody · Custody Battles · Dads · Denial of Parental Rights · Denial of Parenting Time · distrust · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · divorced parent mentors · Domestic Violence · ex spouse · Faith · Family Court · Family Court System · Freedom · Guardian ad Litems · Happiness · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · Hostile ex · Inspiration · joint custody · judgement · Legal System · Liberty · life · Moms · negativity · online learning · optimism · Pain · Parent Coordinator · Parent Support · Parental Alienation · Parental Alienation Syndrome-PAS · Parental Deprivation · Parental Rights · Parenting · Parenting after Divorce · Parenting Consultants · Parenting Coordinators · Parenting Time · Parenting Time Expediter · Parenting Time Expeditor · Parents · personal growth · positivity · Relationships · self care · state control · Support · Support for divorced parents · Susan Carpenter · toxic relationships · transformation · Uncategorized · Unhealthy Relationships

Divorced Parents, Where is Your Focus?

Life is like a camera
Image courtesy of https://www.pinterest.com/explore/inspirational-quotes/

As a Life and Divorce coach, I am sometimes misunderstood and misjudged.  Over the years that I went through a high conflict divorce, I brought myself out of a deep dark place and into a life of joy and happiness.  I have successfully shown many others how to do the same and focus on finding their way beyond what has happened in the past and to the life of their dreams  I’ve been able to help many people, but not everyone.  Some people want to stay stuck.  If an individual wants to stay stuck in something bad, there is nothing I can do.  There is also nothing a psychologist, lawyer, or judge can do either.  They may try, but ultimately they will have to leave you behind and move onto helping the people who are willing to do the work that will get them where they want to be.

I work mostly with people in the Family Court System.  These are parents who find themselves in a high conflict divorce situation, getting beaten to a pulp (legally) by the confounding judge, who is unable to understand what the heck it is that drives them to do the things they do.

I understand domestic violence.  I understand parental alienation (which is not the same as Parental Alienation Syndrome).  I understand Domestic Violence Organizations.  I understand Father’s Rights Groups. I understand the parent who lives under a microscope for years in family court proceeding after family court proceeding.  I understand the legal community.  I understand the psychologists.  I understand a lot of what happens in Family Court.  I understand how people got into the mess they have gotten themselves into.  Understanding all these things does not mean that focusing on them will make anything better.  In fact, putting a focus on what is wrong in Family Court can be a huge waste of time and hurt you in achieving your custody and parenting time goals.

There have been times when I have either lost a client or lost a client’s respect and trust  when I have had to tell them that they and their attorney are putting too much emphasis on domestic violence in their family court case.  I have also angered parents when I’ve had to tell them the parental alienation syndrome argument won’t get them far.  An honest statement like that mistaken to mean that I don’t believe parental alienation happens.  I know it happens.  I have even experienced it for myself.  It happened to my youngest son and I, at the hands of a manipulative father, but my son and I are closer than ever now because I always trusted him to know truth and to figure out what was happening.  I did what I could, left alone what I could not do, and put my energy into waiting for my son to be ready to restore our relationship.  I had faith that I had raised him in a way in which he would see truth, and now, we are closer than ever.  He does know the truth and bears some scars.

It was a long journey from my naive beginnings in family court.  I went from being blind sided by the nastiness of Family Court to getting to where I am today.

More than believing in parental alienation, I believe that co-dependence, childhood trauma and unhealthy relationship patterns are likely the underlying cause of on-going family court nightmares.  A good psychologist should tell you that as long as there is one strong parent, your child can overcome the trauma, regardless of what your ex throws at you.  I have seen this to be true.  In my own case, I stopped being the victim of domestic violence and stopped adding to the drama.  I wanted a better life for my children and myself.  That meant that I would have to pull myself up by my bootstraps, get healthy, and work with the professionals in the Family Court System at their level.  They were not going to listen to me if I only spoke to them when I was at the point of hysterics.  I was never heard when I screamed and swore at them, and you won’t get far with that either.

They were also not going to allow me to educate them.  These were educated professionals and in their eyes, I was the one who was uninformed.  If I was so smart, how come I couldn’t put an end to this conflict for my family?  Why did they have to make decisions about my children?  They could not understand and I was not able to make them understand.  I found them to be obstacles in the way of me being able to move on with my life.  They were also, definitely,  hindering my children’s development, but they would not have ever wanted to hear that.  Over the years I came to realize,  that they were not the answer to the problems and they should not be my focus.  Instead, my focus needed to be on myself, and my children.  That is when I began to turn that ship around, and in doing so, I freed myself and my children of those professionals forever.  No more obstacles.  No more hindrances.

This is what I help my clients as well.  Please don’t think that means that this can happen overnight.  It is a process.  I help my clients through that process, but they determine the pace, I cannot.  I connect with many clients through a free consult, but not every consult turns into a client.  Some people think I am nuts and they never come back.  They do not want to give up that crutch of family court.  That is sad because most people come to me due to their frustration with how the Family Court is not helping the situation, but is instead, making it much, much worse, but when told that they may need to take the focus off of family court professionals and onto their healing and gaining skills, they don’t want to refocus their energy inward.  It is a lot of work to explore what has happened to you, and it is painful and ugly to peel back the layers of who you are you, and so some people cannot stomach it.

Think about this for a minute.  Maybe it will make sense to you and maybe it won’t.  I can only put it out there and hope that you can make some sense out of it.  When you are a victim of domestic violence and look to the family court to help you with it, that is your focus.  If you keep your focus there, and run to and fro, in search of professionals who will understand, that is taking your time, energy and money away from having the life you want.  You may think that you cannot have the life you want, but I am here to tell you, it is just not true.  You are the one keeping your life and your children’s lives in the family court.  Your ex may stay there, and he or she may use it against you, but if you really get yourself strong, stay confident in your truths, and put your focus outside of the court, you will see miracles happen.  The people I see who beat this system at its own game, refocus on their life and their children and slowly shift their thoughts and energies away from their nasty ex and the confusing court people, are the ones who succeed in getting saving their children from an imprisoned life.  The people who latch on to their domestic violence experience or try to expose parental alienation will find that  they ramp up the conflict, get more deeply embedded in the Family Court System, and feel more and more stuck over time.  I am not saying that domestic violence or parental alienation should be tolerated or ignored.  I am not saying that at all.  What I am saying is you cannot push those memes the entire time because there are only certain ways to successfully use those arguments in family court.

Not everything involved with the conflict is related to domestic abuse or parental alienation.  Some things are communication issues and related to how you speak to or correspond with you ex.  Some issues are related to those Mars-Venus, male-female issues, too.  Some issues have to do with the stage of development your child is in, as well, and so you need to really consider what is driving the conflict for each particular issue that arises.  You cannot blame everything on domestic violence or parental alienation because the professionals don’t always have any recourse, even if they do recognize those issues are present.  You still have the court orders you have and their roles are limited as far as what action they can take.  You are the driver of a family court battle,  not them.  You want to make sure you are focused on which direction you want to go and where the journey will lead.  If you know your desired destination, you cannot go around in circles.  That will not get you there.  Instead, map out how you are going to get there and come hell or high water, keep traveling in that direction and don’t stop until you get there!

This post may anger some people and intrigue others.  It’s hard to really explain it all in one blog post!  If you are interested in finding out how to free yourself of the family court, as much as possible, please contact me through High Conflict Central.  I’d love to consult with you to tell you more.  There is nothing more rewarding for me than to see a client who grasps these concepts and takes their life and their children back!

Susan

Child Custody · children · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Coparenting · Court authorities · Courts · Crazy Ex · Custody · Custody Battles · Denial of Parental Rights · Denial of Parenting Time · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · domestic relations · Family Court · Family Court System · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · Hostile ex · joint custody · Law · Legal System · Liberty · Minnesota Courts · Misinformed Public · mn courts · Parent Coordinator · Parental Deprivation · Parental Rights · Parenting · Parenting after Divorce · Parenting Consultants · Parenting Coordinators · Parenting Time · Parenting Time Expediter · Parenting Time Expeditor · Parents · Public Information · Truth

What’s the Difference Between a Parenting Time Expediter and a Parenting Consultant AKA Parent Coordinator?

 

logo_white_background - small

 

Let’s face it.  The world of Family Court today is nothing but crazy!  If you get divorced and you have children, prepare yourself for upside down and backwards land.  NOTHING is as it seems.  The power is extreme.  The players are extreme and there doesn’t seem to be much room for such things as liberty, the freedom to choose your own relationships and there really isn’t a whole lot of law going on in Family Court anymore, at least not post decree.

There has been a push to keep families out of court to try and make sure they don’t make anyone feel bad by having accountability.  Unfortunately, rather than NOT make parents feel bad by being held accountable for their actions, they instead make everyone feel bad, including the children.  Then, once everyone is feeling bad enough where they’ll do anything to make it stop, families are offered special help in the form of third party decision makers who can make decisions without you ever having to go to court.  Sounds great doesn’t it?  Well, it can be a nightmare.

Your family may very well need the help of a parenting consultant or parent coordinator, but they can be a very complex role that parents just do not understand.  We know that families do better when they are prepared.

Because parents are not always fully informed about the different roles of independent contractors who work with high conflict families,  High Conflict Central has created a free e-course to explain the difference between two of these court authorities that you might end up with.  Whether you are in Minnesota or not, there are things that you can learn in this free e-course about PCs, which are known as Parenting Consultants in Minnesota and Parent Coordinators in other states.  These are important roles to know about in a high conflict case.  Check it out:

Parenting Time Expediter vs  Parenting Consultant-What is the Difference?

Abuse · Attitude · balance · child abuse · Child Custody · children · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Conflict · Coparenting · Coping · Court authorities · Court investigations · Courts · Crazy Ex · Custody · Custody Battles · Dads · Denial of Parental Rights · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · domestic relations · Domestic Violence · ex spouse · families · Family · Family Court · Family Court System · Freedom · Guardian ad Litems · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · joint custody · judgement · Law · Legal System · Liberty · life · Moms · Parent Coordinator · Parental Rights · Parenting · Parenting after Divorce · Parenting Consultants · Parenting Coordinators · parenting styles · Parenting Time · Parents · Relationships · Single parenting · state control · Support · Support for divorced parents · toxic relationships · Trust · Unhealthy Relationships

Singular or Plural?

Hand Of A Man And Woman Tearing Apart Heart Symbol by Sira Anamwong
Image courtesy Sira Anamwong at freedigitalphotos.net

I have an acquaintance who, like me, has dedicated her life to helping children.  This is something that we both agree on, the importance of parents in the life of their children.  In fact, we agree on many things when it comes to parents and children.  Especially, when it comes to those families who have been impacted by divorce.  We agree that children need to interact with both of their parents.  We agree that children are given to parents from God.  We agree that God chose both parents as being responsible for the particular child in question and that both parents have a right to that child and a responsibility to act in good faith to raise them.  Where we disagree is on a 50-50 split.  She believes that dividing a child 50-50 will resolve all conflict and remove all court battles for that child’s family experience.  I disagree.

The reason I disagree is because I work with parents in these horrible high conflict situations and I see the harm that high conflict can inflict on a child.  I see this played out every single day.  The worst of cases?  Those who stipulated (agreed) to joint custody and/or 50-50 parenting time when they had no business doing so.  In those families, they have some serious work to do before they will ever have even a remote chance of working well together.  Neither parent will be able to fix the problem on their own and the other parent has no interest in working together on resolution.  In those cases, a 50-50 split is not going to be a good thing for their child and will also not be a good thing for either parent.  It will be a detrimental situation for both parents.  Sole custody and limiting time for the parent who won’t get in the game may be the only resolution for that family, unless they want to constantly run to court or a court appointed decision maker to get decisions made for their child.

Why do my acquaintance and I see the situation so differently?  Why do law professionals see it differently than feeling and emotion professionals do?  Why do so many parents get it wrong when they talk about “parental rights”?

The acquaintance, whom I will now refer to as “Parenting Equality Bound” has studied Supreme Court decisions on Parental Rights.  I have also studied the same decisions.  She sees the law as a weapon.  I see the law as a tool.  Some of the work she has done over 30 years has severely weakened the law.  I’d like to fix some of that and return the law to a strong place again.  It is the weakness she helped create that is the source of many of her complaints about the law.  It’s rather ironic.  Because Family Law is an extremely weak and vague area of law, she’d like to do away with it all together while I’d like to see its hands untied so it can get back to a place where it works for people it is supposed to serve.  Two different people.  Two different ideas.  Two different beliefs.  Two different solutions.  Two different perspectives and the only way that this difference will be resolved is if one of us decides to see things differently.  That is unlikely to happen.

The reason for our different perspectives?  I used the law as a tool to help my children and it worked.  Someone very close to her in her life used it as a weapon regarding parental rights in a system that is there for the Best Interests of children, and it did not work that way.  It rarely works if you only see it as a weapon and see it about you without regard to the children.  Unfortunately, some parents only know weapons.  Regardless of perspectives, law is law.  It doesn’t care about feelings.  We’ve tried to make it care about feelings and that has been a disaster for high conflict families whose feelings can be extreme and sometimes out of touch with reality.  High Conflict families are the lens that both me and Parenting Equality Bound see it through because the cooperative families don’t need the help of law so much as the high conflict families do.  The problem is that the laws have been molded into expectations of parental cooperation for the benefit of children and to date, we don’ have 100% compliance with cooperation.

The other day, Parenting Equality Bound and I were discussing new legislation she is pushing.  Every year without fail, she pushes, and pushes.  She has been described as a “bull in a China” shop.  Just a few weeks ago she greatly insulted several colleagues that she has worked with for the last three years on a publication and I watched her lose all of what she gained in terms of respect.  Any respect her colleagues developed over the three years disintegrated in one brief moment.  She lost the respect of everyone on that work group, myself included.  I stay open-minded with people and try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but what she wrote to the work group was simply outrageous and unfounded and just another example of how things have to be her way or the highway.  It also showed the very narrow lens though which she sees the world.  Many of the parents I’ve had to work with also see through a very narrow lens and because of it, they are not able to see the big picture in a variety of situations.  During my conversation with Parenting Equality Bound, she asked me why I would not want parents to have equal rights.  My answer is that parents do not have two separate rights to a child.  There is only one shared right.  She makes an argument that parent’s rights are 100% and 100%.  That math makes 200%.  I know the reality is simply 100%, which means both parents combined share 100%, which can be distributed between the two anywhere from zero to 100.  50-50 is only one possible outcome, but there are several other possible outcomes to choose from.  I don’t understand why parents would want to be limited.  From my perspective, they might be the one who should have close to 100%.  If it was to benefit their child, why wouldn’t they take on more responsibility if the other parent is not capable of being responsible or child focused?

I used to see it the same way she did.  I had my rights and my children’s father had his rights and because it was so painful to work with him, I just wanted to take my rights and the child over here and have him take his rights and the child over there and leave each other the heck alone!  He had always been abusive to me and the children and he had also had issues with alcoholism.  Someone with those kinds of relationship issues doesn’t make for a very reliable or responsible co-parent.  Still, I tried to make it work and all it did was prove how impossible it would be unless the abuse and alcoholism were going to be addressed.  Professional after professional wanted me to pretend those issues did not exist so we could move on.  Unfortunately, moving on was not in and of itself going to foster an environment of cooperation in our case.  I did everything I could do on my end only to have the other parent highly resistant to change anything on his end to improve things for the children and I started to realize, we really had zero care and control of the children.  Because we were unable to figure this out and do it together, the court professionals held the care and control of the children.  That was unacceptable to me.  I believed a parent should take charge over and above the court professionals and so I made my case and was awarded sole custody.  That corrected 95% of the problems my children faced by being stuck in a long, drawn out legal affair and under the custody of court people.  Because of this, I still believe and will continue to believe that there are cases where it is better to have one parent take over the heavy lifting instead of leaving the decisions of children in the hands of court professionals.  When 50-50 does not work well for the family involved, it equates to a childhood lived inside the overshadowing of a system.  The family has no escape route until the children turn 18 and are fully emancipated.  What 50-50 means is two half parents and in most cases, it actually means 100% court professional parents.

When families have two parents who can work out the sharing of divorced parenting, great!  They should.  Those who can agree to do it, do it,  and it works well for them.  They don’t need a court order to tell them what to do and they understand that parenting is not an exact science.  They are sometimes willing to let the other parent take a greater role from time to time and sometimes they have to take on a greater role, too.  It may not be fair and equal, but it is balanced.  Those parents don’t want their rights handed to them from a court.  They know that they already have their shared right and understand that with that right comes the responsible to their children so that no one has to do it for them.  They also understand the concept of sharing.  They know that sometimes you have to give up something to get something else.

The parents who cannot get cooperation without (and sometimes even with) a court order are the ones who have to make hard decisions.  Can the situation work for the child and how much can they do alone to support their child and make it work?  Sometimes one parent can do a lot to improve a situation even when the other parent won’t life a finger to make things better.  They may be able to make 50-50 work despite the other parent.  However, in some families, when a parent is actively working against their every effort, it may be time to put a stop to the sabotage.  Sometimes that is the kindest thing you can do for your children and the parent who doesn’t know how to share because in reality, they are harming the children and themselves. I do not want to see sole custody go away because it can sometimes be the only thing that rescues a child that is being harmed.  I also always believe that it is better to have a parent entrusted with the children rather than a system.  I’d prefer there be two parents, but when that is not possible, it makes sense to have one rather than none.

Parenting Equality Bound never sees a reason why 50-50 won’t work.  As I said, she believes that each parent has a right to the children from the Supreme Court of the United States.  I’ve listened to lawyers try explaining to her that there aren’t two rights, but only one shared right.  She will not listen.  Through my research, I have also learned about this shared right.  There are not two rights, there is only one right to one child.  Therefore, that one right can be distributed between parents and in Family Court, that is what is done.  It may be 50-50.  it may be 25-75 or it may be 35-65.  How it gets distributed depends on how parents can make it work best for the child or children involved.

Parenting Equality Bound continues to tell me to read the Supreme Court decisions.  I have.  I ask her to show me where they say parents have more than a “right”, in other words, when do they say parents each have a right separate from the other?  She can never show me that.  She will show me various SCOTUS decisions, which she believes offer parent’s rights in the plural, but everything I have read lists parents in the plural and the words “right” or “interest” in  the singular.  Does it matter?  Yes, it does.

There is only one right to one child.  Yes, there are two parents.  Splitting the baby in half is not the answer.  The answer has to be about the child’s safety and well-being.  In the King Solomon story in the Bible, the only custody battle shared from God’s word, one parent is lying and manipulating and acting in bad faith.  The other parent is able to be focused on the child’s safety and well-being.  The bad faith parent doesn’t care if the child is destroyed, so long as she wins.  The good faith parent is unwilling to allow the child to be harmed no matter what the outcome is for her.  Solomon, the wise judge, gives the care and control to the parent who can put the child’s needs above their own.  That is what good parents do.  That is why we do need wise judges to make tough decisions like that.  Part of the problem is that for so long now, judges have tried to make parents share and make decisions together because the child does need both parents.  Some of it has gone beyond all common sense and good judgment.  There has been a big push for restorative and social justice (with ideals such as equality) that have weakened the law in the area of families.  The truth about equality is that we are all created equal, but we are not promised an equal outcome, especially when we act in bad faith or use court as a weapon that harms our children.

I would urge parents who believe in parenting equality to review the Supreme Court documents on the right or the interest of parents.  Is it singular or is it plural?  Is it a right you share with the other parent or are there two rights, plural? If it is truly one right to be distributed in the best interest of your child, are you placing a limit on yourself and tying your hands when the other parent acts in bad faith?  What if you are the only one who is focused on providing a good outcome for your child?  Might it be that you are the one who should take control away, not only from the parent acting in bad faith, but from a court who would prefer not to act, but has to act because the two of you have shown that you cannot act in good faith together?

It is a rare event when a parent gets sole custody after divorce, as it should be, but real equality is when each parent has an option to rescue their children from having court professional be the parents when one parent makes it impossible to get decisions made for their child.

 

 

Attitude · Child Custody · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Communication · Confidence · Conflict · Coping · Court authorities · Court investigations · Crazy Ex · Custody · Custody Battles · Dads · distrust · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · ex spouse · Family Court · Family Court System · Guardian ad Litems · High Conflict Central · High Conflict Central YouTube Video · high conflict divorce · Hostile ex · Inspiration · joint custody · Legal System · liars · lies · life · Media · Moms · motivation · Negative Thinking · negativity · optimism · Pain · Parent Support · Parenting · parenting styles · Parenting Time · peaceful · personal growth · positivity · Relationships · self care · Single parenting · Support · Support for divorced parents · Susan Carpenter · toxic relationships · Truth · Unhealthy Relationships · Video · Videos

Just Get Outta the Way!

When your ex is acting the fool, just get outta their way! Professionals will never see what is going on when you tell them. Let them see for themselves! In our latest video, Susan will explain more about getting out of the way and allowing your ex to act a fool.  Remember, just because they may be acting the fool doesn’t mean that you have to do it, too.  In fact, your chance for successfully navigating family court greatly increase when you do not let your ex  rattle you. Check it out!

Break Ups · Change · Child Custody · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Communication · Communication Tools · Conflict · Coparenting · Coping · Custody · Custody Battles · Dads · distrust · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · ex spouse · families · Family · Family Court · Family Court System · Fear · Freedom · Healthy Relationships · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · Hostile ex · joint custody · life · Moms · parallel parenting · Parent Support · Parenting · parenting styles · Parenting Time · Parents · peaceful · personal growth · Relationships · Single parenting · Support · Support for divorced parents · Unhealthy Relationships

What is Parallel Parenting?

 
Image courtesy of digitalart at freedigitalphotos.net

 

Even the most skeptical of parents think that once the legal paperwork is all signed sealed and delivered, everything will be fine and they will move beyond the relationship they had before the divorce.  During the divorce process, professionals likely assured them that they would be able to co-parent and share in parenting responsibilities and continue the relationship they’ve had with their child or perhaps even build a better relationship.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way. 


Co-parenting requires parents to communicate regularly and frequently.  Given that life can change on a dime and schedules can sometimes get interrupted by things that are beyond our control, the best of divorced parents are able to be flexible with their schedules and adapt to changes without much difficulty or make adjustments to their plans and the distribution of parenting responsibilities as they need to, but few families can really achieve that level of commitment or cooperation when the divorce is over.  For a high number of parents, the fighting they experienced during the divorce process does not end with a decree and sometimes, it ramps up. Even though they previously drafted carefully worded agreements on how they would manage parenting responsibilities and different conflicts and scenarios, the agreements do not work when the parents try to put them into practice.  Either one of the parents will not follow the agreement or each parent has a different interpretation of what the words on the paper actually mean.  On top of that, some parents find their co-parent uses information against them or tries to manipulate the parenting time schedule by scheduling appointments, activities and play dates on the other parent’s time without permission.   It is beyond frustrating to live that way.  So what can be done to change it?

Parents who struggle with co-parenting can try a style called parallel parenting. For those whose interactions are moderately or highly conflicted, parallel parenting can be a way to move forward when co-parenting proves to be too difficult for them to manage successfully. Unfortunately, court professionals rarely suggest parallel parenting as an option.   Some professionals want to push you to co-parent no matter what because it offers your child the best chance for success in the future, while others naively think that the contention will die down once parents put the legal system behind them. It is naive to think that relationship problems or significant communication problems will magically disappear and foster cooperation if they have never been addressed.  It is also fairly common to find professionals out there who have never heard of parallel parenting.  If the professionals you encounter have no concept of what parallel parenting is, how can they explain that it is an option to you? They can’t, and that is very unfortunate because parallel parenting can help parents move away from conflict to keep their child out of the middle of it.


So what is parallel parenting anyway?  Parallel parenting is a style of parenting that allows parents to disengage and reduce the frequency of interactions they have with each other.  It allows each parent to operate independently of the other and manage their own day to day parenting responsibilities.  Parents will still need to communicate about important issues that are related to their child, and make major decisions together, but they will only communicate when necessary. Typically all communication will take place in written form, such as via email.  


Parallel parenting is not ideal and it tends to put a higher burden on the the child to adjust to two different sets of households, routines and rules so that the parents do not have to make adjustments that they are not ready or willing to make, but it does not have to be a permanent arrangement.  Sometimes, parallel parenting is used only until both parents have come to terms with the situation or while they take measures to work through hurt feelings following contentious legal battle.  However, some parents will continue parallel parenting until the children are grown and there is nothing wrong with that.  While it is best when parents can co-parent and work together to parent their children after divorce, if they cannot, parallel parenting is better than always being in a state of conflict, arguing over who is right, being disrespected or having to rely on someone you learned long ago was unreliable and it protects children from being caught in the middle of the battle.

Parents are humans.  Humans have different ways of coping and managing disappointments and hurts.  It’s just the nature of the beast that some humans have the skill set to be resilient while others need significant time to heal, deal or feel.  You cannot put a time limit on grieving the loss of a relationship, nor can you decree it be done.  You also cannot make someone cooperate with you or communicate well if they do not want to.  Co-parenting requires a good faith effort on the part of both parents and an ability to separate their own feelings from the feelings of their child.  It also helps when parents have good communication skills and maintain healthy boundaries.  Still, the odds that a couple held all those qualities and ended up divorced seems illogical.  Most relationships break up for a reason and that reason has be set aside or forgiven in order to form a successful co-parenting relationship. When not set aside or forgiven, parents need to find other ways of sharing their children peacefully.

What are some of the reasons to try parallel parenting?

  1. One or both parents still holds highly negative feelings about the other.
  2. One or both parents have boundaries issues.
  3. Communication between parents is ineffective, hostile, or disrespectful, or the parents are unable to stay child focused when they interact with each other.
  4. One or both parents is unable or unwilling to work together to meet the child’s day to day needs or make decisions together.
  5. There is a moderate or high level of conflict.
  6. Each parent has a vastly different parenting style from that of the other and they fight over which one is right.

 

How does parallel parenting work?

  1. Parents disengage from each other and do not interact during child exchanges or school events.  They may alternate attending school events or not sit together when in attendance at the same time and they will schedule separate parent-teacher conferences if the school will accommodate such a request (most schools will).
  2. Parents communicate only in written form (except for emergent or time sensitive matters) and do not communicate about routine, day to day issues.  Communication is kept to a minimum and is typically done via email or an online communication tool, such as Our Family Wizard.
  3. Each parent is responsible for the day to day care and parenting during their parenting time and basically mind their own business when the children are at the other parent’s home
  4. Routines and discipline decisions may vary from house to house
  5. Parents do not attend medical, dental or counseling appointments together, but divide up who has responsibility and when. 
  6. Parents are responsible for accessing information from school, doctors, dentists or other professionals in the child’s life without relying on the other parent to provide routine information.
  7. Parents do not share personal information and may use a neutral location for child exchanges or have a neutral person do the pick ups and drop offs.
  8. Parenting time schedules are rigidly adhered to and are very detailed as to times and exchange locations.  A third party may be in place to address parent disputes or situations that are unclear or were not covered when the schedule was created.

 

Parallel parenting can offer families some much needed breathing room that opens to door to co-parenting in the future, but if it doesn’t, it provides something better than the conflicted situations that cause tremendous amounts of stress to families and it gets children out of the middle of hostile situations that put their healthy development and well-being at risk.

Attitude · balance · Child Custody · Children of divorce · Co-parent Conflict · Co-parenting · Communication · Conflict · Coparenting · Coping · Courts · Custody · Custody Battles · Dads · Disclaimer · Divorce · divorce help · Divorce Nastiness · divorce with children · divorced parent mentors · ex spouse · families · Family · Family Court · Family Court System · Happiness · High Conflict Central · high conflict divorce · Hostile ex · Inspiration · Integrity · joint custody · Law · Legal System · life · Moms · optimism · Parent Support · Parenting · Parenting after Divorce · Parenting Time · Parents · personal growth · positivity · Public Information · Relationships · self care · Single parenting · Support · Support for divorced parents · toxic relationships · Unhealthy Relationships · Warnings

High Conflict Central Disclaimer

 Because it is really about getting back to our lives and our kids and having a mentor to guide you along the way and listen to your concerns and understand your struggle can help you do just that!  High Conflict Central is about parents connecting with parents to lend support.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Please read our disclaimer and keep this in mind as you read our posts.

High Conflict Central Full Disclaimer:

The information on this blog is based on personal opinions and insight. Our writers are not attorneys nor licensed psychologists. We are Divorce Mentors, Relationship Coaches and Alternative Dispute Resolution professionals.

A majority of people struggling in Family Court are having issues due to a hostile ex or unhealthy relationship patterns. It has little to do with the law. None of the information or opinions offered by the authors should be considered legal advice. High Conflict Central and the individual writers who post are not rendering legal or other professional services through this blog and disclaim any and all liability to any person who reads this blog. We encourage readers to do their own research into the information that is provided. Readers should keep in mind that many things factor into court processes and cases can be quite different depending on where they are in the process and what has already been decided in their case.

Personal stories are shared to raise awareness. Our purpose is to help people disengage from high conflict battles and move into a happier and healthier life, but is not meant as legal advice or therapy. If you need legal or psychological advice, please seek the help of those professionals. Our goal is to support you as you navigate systems and the professionals you meet along the way and to help you learn from our experiences in the high conflict divorces that we lived through.